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Stephen Wright

Comedian Steven Alexander Wright was born December 6, 1955, in Burlington, Massachusetts.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth.
On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"

The sky is falling...no, I'm tipping over backwards.

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other.
Their families came and took them away.
Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other.
One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did you think?"

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check.
Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, "Cut it out."

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose.

I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me are furious!

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!"
He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.