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Groucho Marx
Comedian Julius Henry Marx (Groucho) October 2, 1890 - August 19, 1977
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
Women should be obscene and not heard.
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot
I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
Last night I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.
Marriage is a wonderful institution...but who wants to live in an institution?
Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999 follow women.
Q: What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?
A: Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
I intend to live forever, or die trying.
Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing.. if you can fake that, you've got it made.
Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
I've been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.
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