George Carlin

I frankly don't give a fuck how it all turns out in this country - or anywhere else for that matter. I think the human game was up a long time ago (when the high priests and traders took over), and now we're just playing out the string. And that is, of course, precisely what I find so amusing: the slow circling of the drain by a once promising species...

Think of how much information, in the form of radio energy, there is flying through the air, all around us, all over the world, right now and all the time. Trillions and trillions and trillions and trillions of separate little bits of electronic information flying all around the world through the air at all times. Think of that. Think of how busy the air is. Now realize this: A hundred years ago there was none. None. Silence.

Even though I don't smoke, I'm not one of those fanatics you run into. In fact, I love watching cigarette smokers in their sad little sealed-off areas, sucking away, deep lines in their faces, precancerous lesions taking hold, the posture and body language of petty criminals. You know what you do with these people? Give 'em free cigarettes. Let 'em smoke. Offer them a light! And you hope each one of them gets a small, painful tumor right in the middle of their body so it can grow in six directions at once. And you pray they get a doctor who doesn't believe in painkillers, and their insurance runs out. I think people should be allowed to enjoy themselves.

I like sports because I enjoy knowing that many of these macho athletes have to vomit before a big game. Any guy who would take a job where you gotta puke first is my kind of guy.

I think we should attack Russia now. They'd never expect it.

You can't fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.

The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.

There are nights when the wolves are silent, and only the moon howls.

If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.

The idea of a walk-in closet sounds frightening. If I'm ever sittin' at home and a closet walks in, I'm gettin' outta there.

SOMETHING IS DREADFULLY WRONG IN THIS COUNTRY: There is now an "empathy breast." It is a wrap-around vest that has a pocket for placing the baby's bottle in. The new father wears it while "nursing" the baby. Jesus!

I made a bargain with the devil: I would get to be famous, and he would get to fuck my sister.

I don't believe there's any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can't completely ignore.

There's a moment coming. It's not here yet. It's still on the way. It's in the future.It hasn't arrived. Here it comes. Here it is... shit! It's gone.

What's all this stuff about motivation? I say, if you need motivation, you probably need more than motivation. You probably need chemical intervention or brain surgery. Actually, if you ask me, this country could do with a little less motivation. The people who are causing all the trouble seem highly motivated to me. Serial killers, stock swindlers, drug dealers, Christian Republicans. I'm not sure motivation is always a good thing. You show me a lazy prick who's lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I'll show you a guy who's not causing any trouble.

I don't give a hoot. Not since 1959. That was the last one I gave. Wait! I think I gave a hoot in 1967. Just one. As a favor to a friend. But that was it. I'm not even sure I have any left. Frankly, I'd be afraid to look. I think I'm all out of hoots. If you want one, you're gonna have to find it on your own.

I'm glad the Indians have gambling casinos now. It makes me happy that dimwitted white people are losing their rent money to the Indians. Maybe the Indians will get lucky and win their country back. Probably they wouldn't want it. Look what we did to it.

Sometimes when I'm told to use my own discretion, if no one is looking I'll use someone else's. But I always put it back.

I'm very lucky. The only time I was ever up shit creek, I just happened to have a paddle with me.

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that shit.

With all this natural selection going on, why doesn't the human race get any smarter? Is this it? Why are there still so many stupid people? Apparently, being a real dumb jackoff has some survival value.

"It's neither here nor there." Well, folks, it's gotta be somewhere. I certainly don't have it.

If you look around carefully the next time you go out, you'll notice that there are some really fucked-up-looking people walking around.